


you weren't down for forever and it's fine.

by ninetysfunk



Series: stories by songs. [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Drinking, Drinking to Cope, Hurt No Comfort, I'm Sorry, M/M, Post-Break Up, Reminiscing, This is just pure angst, wanted to make a sad luwoo fic because i'm sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-08
Updated: 2019-12-08
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:27:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21722224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ninetysfunk/pseuds/ninetysfunk
Summary: Jungwoo's learning to let go, but he isn't ready.
Relationships: Kim Jungwoo/Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas
Series: stories by songs. [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1613065
Comments: 3
Kudos: 22





	you weren't down for forever and it's fine.

**Author's Note:**

> I have an odd addiction? Need? To write angst? Especially without comfort? Am I ok? Probably not but i guess writing is a form of escapism from my emotions, I guess. This was not proofread, it's just me, taking my emotions, writing it out and giving it to you! 
> 
> This story is HEAVILY inspired by the song 'If The World Was Ending' by JP Saxe amd Julia Michaels, again, read this fic while listening to this song for the full effect!
> 
> ** Parts that are in italics are flashbacks by the way, just felt the need to mention that.

Another night, another drink. That was all that played in Jungwoo’s brain. Was his addiction getting better? Yes. But of course he could have a glass of wine every now and then.

He pours the red liquid into the glass, holding it by stem and taking a sip. He walks towards his living room, smiling bitterly as he approaches his 1982 record player that him and Yukhei bought at an antique store, he places his glass down and drags his finger across the many vinyls he had packed into the square shelves that have collected dust over a period of time.

His finger stops at a certain vinyl he had not touched in exactly two years, he smiles as he pulls it out, but the aching in his heart could not be ignored. He feels the knot in his throat tightening as his eyes laid on the cover, placing his hand weakly on opening, pulling out the large disc and walks towards the record player. He stands there for a while, vinyl hovering over the player, maybe it would have been best if he had not played it. 

But why does he hesitate to move when he knew it would be better to save the heartbreak for some other time?

Jungwoo stands there motionless.  _ He had to move on. _ Perhaps he could find his closure in this song and let him go. So, he places the vinyl on the player, turning it on, moving the needle towards the outer part of the record and he lets it play.

The tune of the song drones into his ear as he stands by the glass doors of his balcony. The song fills the air of his full yet empty loft apartment that once resided two people, but now Jungwoo had been the only one filling up the empty spaces in the house.

It had been two years since Yukhei left, since he left for good and forever. Jungwoo told himself he came to terms with his ex-lover’s departure, but yet here he was, the very same night Yukhei left with his bags, just two years later. Jungwoo spends his nights reaching out to the empty space of what was once his and Yukhei’s bed.

He reassured his friends that he’s okay, that he’s doing fine. That when he’s out forcing himself to smile, forcing himself to laugh, it would all be okay. That maybe, just maybe, he’ll see Yukhei once more and maybe, he’ll see in his eyes that he wanted him back, that he missed him too.

But that was impossible.

No one heard from Yukhei after his departure, not even his friends back in Hong Kong or China. Jungwoo tried texting him, tried calling him, but the messages never got through, and the calls were always answered with the same automated voice saying that the number was no longer in use.

Maybe, Jungwoo was still hurting. Maybe all he wanted to know was that Yukhei was okay. But maybe it would hurt more if Yukhei had found someone else in these two years. But Jungwoo always had difficulties in saying goodbye, he was never good at them anyway.

But Jungwoo found comfort in the heartache, he found peace in his tears. However, he never came to terms with the fact that Yukhei was gone. And that the love they once had was gone. And maybe thinking of his face, thinking of his smile, thinking of his voice, thinking of his laugh, thinking of his groggy good mornings, thinking of his kisses, ripped his heart out. 

Their break up was painful, the slow distancing between them broke their love apart. Sleeping further away from each other, less  _ i love you’s _ , no more kisses, no more hugs. Nothing. It was a slow burn, an agonising one. Jungwoo watched as his lover he had given his entire heart to simply fade away and leave him behind.

Jungwoo always assumed Yukhei was tired from work, after all his job wasn’t that easy. Being the editor of a well-renowned magazine was not exactly one of the most simplest of jobs. But Yukhei loved his job, for the three years they were together, it never bothered him. However, as the days went by towards the end of their relationship. Yukhei grew distant, the bags under his eyes getting heavier by the day, he barely spoke to Jungwoo besides the usual “hi” and “bye”.

But Jungwoo constantly gave him the benefit of the doubt, because he could never blame his lover for their distance.

_ Jungwoo waited in the kitchen, palms gripping against the edge of the countertop as the seconds ticked by. He glances at the clock for the nth time that night. _

_ 2:40am. _

_ Yukhei should be home by now. He should be curled into bed, head against Jungwoo’s chest as he snored soundly, while Jungwoo ran his fingers through his hair and a book in his other hand. Yes. They should be doing this right about now. So where was Yukhei? _

_ Jungwoo was never one to worry much about his lover for he had trust in him more than anyone in the world, but why has it been harder and harder to trust him as the weeks went by. As he comes home later and later every night. Why was Yukhei’s touches less genuine to him? Why had Yukhei stopped kissing him? Why?  _

_ Jungwoo was never one to question Yukhei’s actions, he was understanding. But this was absurd. Was it him? What did he do to cause Yukhei to almost drive away from him? _

_ The older sighed as he drops his chin a little as it touches the collar of his- or should he say Yukhei’s shirt. His hand reaching into his pocket as he pulls out his hand, unlocking it and presses on Yukhei’s contact, immediately calling him. _

_ The ringing goes on for a while, as the seconds go by Jungwoo starts getting more anxious, but he feels his heart almost stop when Yukhei picks up. _

_ “Yukhei! W-where are you-” _

_ “Jungwoo! It’s Mark, Yukhei’s… drunk right now… What’s going on?” His lover’s close friend, Mark replies. _

**_Drunk?_ ** _ Jungwoo thinks, he feels his body fall, but his grip on his phone tightening. He had no idea if he was frustrated or heartbroken. But he forces out a chuckle in order to not keep the younger on the other line at bay, “Drunk? W-why?” _

_ “Oh, we just went to a club to get some drinks before Christmas, since we’re having a holiday after this week. I’m sorry, do you want to talk to him?”  _

_ Jungwoo feels a tightening at his throat as tears forced itself out, but he swallows the lump. “Really?” He stutters, trying to sound as cheerful as he could, “Why didn’t he tell me?” _

_ “Oh… He didn’t? I don’t- I don’t know, Jungwoo,” The younger says, almost hesitant to reply, “Hey, are you okay? You sound… off…” _

_ Jungwoo shakes his head and forces out another chuckle. “I’m fine! Thank you, Mark… Have a good night…” _

He slept alone that night, mind still wondering when Yukhei would come home. 

He laughs as he remembers Yukhei laying on the couch that morning, groggy and tired. He remembers vividly how things went down.

How could he forget? When that was the last time he would ever see his lover again.

_ “You didn’t tell me you went out after work last night,” Jungwoo speaks, head low as he leans against the kitchen counter. _

_ Yukhei hums in reply, “Yeah, sorry. I’m heading out again tonight, I probably will be back late again. Didn’t mean to worry you, Woo.” _

_ Jungwoo scoffs, shaking his head, “It’s fine. I just wonder if you really mean it, Yukhei.” _

_ The younger places his mug down and looks at Jungwoo, “Of course I mean it.” _

_ “Really? Do you really mean it, Yukhei?” He looks up, standing up straight, “Because for the past few weeks I’ve stayed up at night, wondering if you’re going to come home. Wondering if you’re safe, wondering if you’re okay.” _

_ “Woo, come on. You know I’m busy,” Yukhei laughs, “I never asked you to stay up, anyway.” _

_ “Are you serious…” Jungwoo mumbles to himself, “Are you actually kidding me? Fuck sake! I care so much about you but it feels like you don’t. I stay up at night waiting for you just to see if you’re okay, but god, you’re too tired to even acknowledge me sometimes. You’ve grown so distant, what the hell did I do other than just love you?” _

_ Yukhei furrows his eyebrows in confusion, not knowing why his boyfriend was so outraged, “What the hell? You don’t need to worry about me so much! I’m just busy these days.” _

_ “Busy? Sure. Busy going out drinking? You think I don’t see Johnny’s posts? Do you take me for an idiot?” Jungwoo says in disbelief. _

_ “Woo, come on. It isn’t even that serious, you know I love you, right?” Yukhei walks towards him, reaching his hand out to Jungwoo’s face who moves away almost immediately. _

_ “You love me? Do you really? Because it feels like you haven’t said it in a while, you barely text me, you barely call, you never talk to me, you’re almost always out of the house. You never hold me anymore, when we’re in bed you seem so far away. It’s almost like you’re not there anymore…” Jungwoo says, voice getting softer towards the end. _

_ “Of course I love you! I’m just tired. I’m quite taken aback that you’d even question how I truly feel,” Yukhei scoffs. _

_ Jungwoo grows frustrated, his hands curling up into a fist. He had never been even mildly annoyed at Yukhei in their years of being together, but for once maybe, he was, “Of course I’d fucking question it!” He yells, “You seem so fucking far away, it’s like I never see you anymore. It’s like I don’t know you! Every time you come home you just stay silent, every time I try to talk to you, you’d just brush me off and go do whatever it is you do. I’m sick of it! I’m sick of constantly giving you the benefit of the doubt when you act like I don’t even exist. I’m sick of caring about someone who doesn’t even give a damn about me, Yukhei.” _

_ “I do care! I do love you! What the hell, Jungwoo! Where is this even coming from?” Yukhei says, his voice growing louder. _

_ “From me, from  _ **_your_ ** _ fucking boyfriend. From the person who fucking loves you, but that’s fucking fine, it’s not like you even love me anymore, and I’ve accepted it,” Jungwoo laughs, “It’s okay that you’re so fucking blinded by whatever hell it is to even see your own boyfriend trying his best to reach out but you won’t even budge.” _

_ “What the fuck, Jungwoo? I love you so much and obviously I fucking care! You’re being absolutely ridiculous,” Yukhei scoffs, turning away from Jungwoo, “Anyway, I’m still heading out. Jaehyun is having a party.” _

_ “Just leave.” _

_ Yukhei stops in his tracks as he turns around to Jungwoo who was tearing up, “What?” _

_ “Just leave. It would hurt less anyway,” He smiles, taking off his ring that Yukhei gave him last year on their anniversary, “Leave the house, leave me. I’m tired of thinking we could go on forever when you clearly aren’t down for forever.” _

_ Jungwoo steps out of the kitchen, leaving Yukhei frozen, “Jungwoo! Come on! Don’t be like this!” _

_ But he doesn’t answer. He just enters the bedroom and locks the door. _

_ He hears Yukhei groan and slam the front door shut. He leaned his back against the door and slides down, hugging his knees as he subs furiously with his knee pressed against his forehead. _

_ It was over. _

Jungwoo felt the tug in his heart once again, tears flowing down his cheek. It had been two years since he left and never came back. He constantly wonder what might have happened if Yukhei tried to reconcile. If Jungwoo hadn’t argued that morning. Because he didn’t want Yukhei to leave, he loved him too much.

And he still did.

He hears the record scratch but he doesn’t move. He just stands there, pouring all the feelings he had kept hidden for so long. Hoping that somewhere out there, Yukhei was wishing he hadn’t left.

  
  


-

  
  


The music stops and Yukhei feels the emptiness creep up on him once again.

He looks down at the ring he held in his grasp, tears blurring his vision as he reminisces over what was once his lover.

He spent two years beating himself up for doing what he had done. He tends to wonder what could have happened if he had just stayed instead of walking away like Jungwoo said.

Perhaps he had acknowledged the fact that he could never have Jungwoo back. But he’s not ready to let go. Not yet.


End file.
